TO SERVE OR NOT TO SERVE
That is the Question
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous programming,
Or to give in to a sea of troubles
And by acquiescing to them,
Put our Spirit's autonomy to sleep.
We all feel good when we do something that benefits someone else. But do we simply feel good or do we feel that we have compensated for something that we feel lacking in ourselves? If we have confidence in ourselves, it tells us that we feel good about our self-worth. But if we don’t, it can become the basis for compensative and obsessive behavior.
Are we to believe that it is our responsibility to “fix” other people and their difficulties? Are we our brother’s keeper? Even though we live in a culture that says yes, it is, I choose to believe it is not.
We’re not here to serve. It is only an option. We may choose to create ease for ourselves and others. That is, to contribute to making the universe run more smoothly for the benefit of all, however, remember that we are part of the All.
Currently in our Western culture, service has become a vehicle for control and manipulation through threatening our devaluation or exclusion from the support or acceptance of any group we might want to belong to and who we believe is assessing our worth.
Most of us believe that we are constantly being watched and judged by others. This is a carryover to the outside world from being trained by our parents that our actions are constantly being monitored by them because, at a very young age, they do know better than we do. As a result of this training and its carryover, we will tend to believe that everyone is watching and judging us. However, unknown to us, most people are so busy with their own issues that they never even notice us let alone judge us.
Having a self-conscious perspective will likely affect us only because having a low state of self-worth will make us more susceptible to being manipulated by others through what we want or want to avoid. This rationale is likely why we would value their opinion over our own. This might be so because we’ve been taught (programmed) to believe that everyone else knows better than we do. To bypass this, we must ask ourselves what we want and then take action independent of others and their input.
Figure it out, correct this and then we can free our choices from the influence of others. Service then becomes balanced, optional and sometimes a joy. This does not mean that we shouldn’t consider what others may suggest for us to do as a result of their experience or programming, but that we should listen, digest and incorporate what we hear if we think that it aligns with the values that we have deduced as a result of our own experiences. In light of having this perspective, I have developed a set of rules to guide us in our decisions on how or if to serve.
JOHN’S RULES FOR SERVICE
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Suffering does not make us a good person.
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Sacrifice is not always necessary.
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Most of us help others because it makes us feel better about ourselves…it prevents society from labeling us “selfish.”
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Service to make others feel obligated to us is emotional blackmail.
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If others do not apply effort to the assistance that we give them, we should not repeat our assistance. The odds are we’re being used.
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No one does anything for just one reason.
Let’s look at the rules a little more closely to see how they might influence our interactions with others and how they might affect us.
SUFFERING is enduring a circumstance through what we might consider painful. To accomplish a goal or overcome an enemy, it may be necessary and worthy. However, as a way of life, it is hurtful to us and often creates resentment in those we are serving by making them feel obligated to us. Our worth does not come from the opinion of others. It comes from our own accomplishments based on our own inner values and standards.
SACRIFICING what we want or love does not make us a better person. It just makes us foolish and miserable. This attitude comes from a diminished feeling of self-worth. In doing so we also cheat ourselves out of the experiences that come from the joy of sharing what we know and have.
THE PAYOFF – If we don’t serve others, are we selfish? Not necessarily. However, our Judeo/Christian traditions have proclaimed that we are “our brother’s keeper.” In our contemporary cultural perspective, those desiring power over us have seized upon this concept as a way of blackmailing us into servitude to them under the threat of withholding the support or the acceptance of our clan if we don’t acquiesce. Consequently, we are now bombarded with accusations of selfishness, racism, bigotry, prejudice, hypocrisy and more if we don’t yield and comply to the “needs” of others. Our only defense has now become to set our boundaries while not publicly defending against their duplicity. To them, defense implies our guilt for wrongdoing.
CREATING OBLIGATION is indirect blackmail – We’ve all known people who “bend over backwards for us” and go overboard doing things for us, some we don’t even need, with the expectation that we will return the “favor” to them at a later time of their choosing. For them, they see this as money in the bank for future advantage over us and if we don’t “return the favor” when it is “asked,” we will hear something like, “After all I’ve done for you…” or something similar. Our only response should be, Well, I didn’t twist your arm for what you “gave” to me.” We should never allow ourselves to be manipulated through guilt. If we do, we will never stop “paying.”
DO THEY CONTRIBUTE EFFORT - to what we are helping them with? When people are too lazy and won’t help themselves when we are assisting them, the odds are we are being used and should not “help” them in the future. The only exception is when someone is truly not able to help themselves that our help and assistance may do some good, even if they don’t appreciate or acknowledge it. Sometimes people may also be obtuse to what we are offering but if it truly makes us feel good, by all means, we should do it.
NOTHING IS EVER DONE FOR ONE REASON ALONE – It’s interesting to note that whenever we ask a person why they did or didn’t do something, we usually only receive one reason for their actions. Generally, when we are asked, the first reason voiced is one that either fits or rebels against prevailing social expectations. That reason usually resonates with the socially expected “right thing to do.” But right behind our response occurs another silent thought, or more to ourselves, usually asserting something like “it will also make me look good” or “it will give me something I want” and which, if voiced, would make us look selfish if given as our primary reason for our actions.
Depending on how interested we are in how the world views us will determine how secretive we will be relative to giving reasons that might benefit ourselves more than others. The more positive we feel about our own self-worth, the less we will care what others might think of us. This will free us to decide what we think is right and the less secretive we will be about offering all of our reasons for doing what we do. Even so, there may still be some reasons that we are not yet aware of. Nevertheless, this in the long run will make us more authentic to ourselves and others.
When our self-worth is assessed and based on our own experience rather than how the world judges us, it is then that we can truly choose whom to serve and why without any second thoughts or self-consciousness. Service is only one of the tools necessary to accomplish our earthly lessons. As such, it must remain balanced and uncoerced by our experiences with others.
So, should we allow others to pursue their own path? Definitely. Should we assist them in their efforts? Maybe. We can’t truly know the path that they must follow and our help might even interfere with their lessons if we do. Yet, sometimes, especially with our children, tough love is a necessity. This is also a choice relative to our own lessons. We must determine the balance and make a “free” and unbiased choice of service between self and others through our intuition, personal experience and kindness to ourselves and others.
