YOU HAVE TO WALK ON WATER BEFORE I BELIEVE YOU!

By John Maerz BA LMT

     In these times of specialization and experts we have become accustomed to believe and trained to expect perfection in the performance from those we give our trust and attention to…yesterday if not sooner. How often have I heard, in a store, a customer asking a clerk, “Do you know about…?” or in another establishment “Is the manager familiar with…?” These questions, and others like them, seem simple enough except that they’re loaded with the need for an assurance that the answer we receive will be beyond dispute and from the highest authority and faster than yesterday. We want to expect that what we put our time and faith into will be guaranteed. Who are we to expect this? Why do we feel this is necessary? What responses have we received that lead us to develop this kind of reaction?

     Speed and productivity have become the goals of most businesses. We cannot do it all in the time we are allotted. Yet, if we are asked a question we, somehow, feel that it’s necessary for us to fill in the blanks even if we don’t know the answers or have the information. We’re fooling ourselves. We are competing with our technology. Our computers are fast. Our vehicles are fast. Our food is fast. Our TVs and telephones are fast. We’ve become as mindless as, and as expectant of, the perfect regurgitation of information from ourselves as we are of our machines. We look only for the headline and move on to the next piece of information. Everything has to be multitasked. Bits, pieces and fragments of information are accumulated in case we might need them at some future date. Nothing is explored to any depth. Nothing is repaired. Nothing is maintained. What appears to be broken or worn is thrown away.  Perhaps we feel that we can be thrown away too. Perhaps we feel that we cannot take the time for fear of missing an opportunity. Our image of ourselves has been severely damaged by putting the assessment of our self worth in the hands of others. The question that now arises is why has this perspective become the rule and not the exception? To understand this we have to tune in to the “way-back-machine.”

     Imagine, if you can, just being born. You’ve been ejected out of you nice warm and protected cubby hole into bright lights, a cold environment, being manhandled and, literally, having your supply line severed. You are now without food, comfort or protection. You’re cold, uncomfortable and hungry and your Mom’s reassuring heartbeat is no longer pulsing around your body. Your objecting cries, for a while, bring no results. Finally, after a time, arms and a blanket surround you and a nipple is provided for your mouth. For a short time it appears as if your comfort is slowly being returned. Soon you fall back into unconsciousness. Upon awakening you find, again, no arms or nipple and your reaction repeats itself. After many times you come to find that what you need comes only from outside yourself and, usually, as a result of your protestations. Your separation and yearning for reunion are complete. You are now externally directed for all that you need and want. As you grow, the rules regulating your world are those of restriction based on your conditional responses. Your world consists of, essentially, what you are not permitted to do. What you want is, for most of the time, not considered by others. Essentially, we become relegated to looking for the outside authority. We assume that this authority has the power to grant or deny. If others appear to be looking for that same authority we want nothing to do with them. There arises a competition. They have no use to or power over us except to block our way to gaining the sought permission or benefit.

     Essentially, we have learned to look for, and expect, perfection from others if we are to trust them. We have reduced what we receive from others to personal black and white approval. In current times, when we seek assistance or answers from another, the responses we receive, even if those answers have been gained through that person’s experience and wisdom, are rejected if every other part of their life is not perceived, by us and our peer group, as “perfect.” How many times have we heard someone say something like, “Sure, he knows a lot about the stock market, but he never combs his hair, dresses like a clown and can’t even tie his own shoe laces. If he’s that inept personally how can I trust anything he says?” or “Sure she’s a crackerjack children’s counselor but she comes from a family of drug addicts. How can I trust her with my children?” It seems that we refuse to take advice or accept service from anyone who does not have all their ducks in a row the way that we think they should. We can’t bear to subject our submission or decision making process to anyone we view as less than perfect. It’s like saying, “You have to walk on water before I believe you.”

      There is another layer under this. Perfection is embedded in our conditioning. It was unconsciously assigned to those we gave up our power and authority to when we were children. Yes, we didn’t know any better when we were children but why continue the process now? And, what if we do make a “mistake?” Is there really such a thing? Who is it that will “punish” us? Isn’t the idea of a “mistake” derived from the unachieved expectations we assumed those we unknowingly appointed as our childhood authorities have of us? These are the people we gave over our power and authority to and, essentially, the responsibility for our lives. Is it any wonder that we feel we have no control over our lives? Life may feel out of our control but only if we accept a responsibility to keep up with a standard that was established by someone other than us. Then, when we don’t “measure up” to those standards, we label ourselves as being incompetent or, somehow, “less than” what we feel we should be. We may also blame others for preventing us from accomplishing our intentions. But we add insult to injury when we follow this up by punishing ourselves for externally generated transgressions further diminishing our self worth. This behavior stretches the domain of conscience too far. To what degree can we and should we be responsible for ourselves? Where is the line?

     We have a choice. We can either aspire to the expectations that others have of us, dead or alive (tradition has a habit of reaching from the grave), or we can accept ourselves as we are; flawed, imperfect, learning and growing in wisdom and understanding. Essentially, as we judge others, we judge ourselves. If we accept others as being our authority we just deny responsibility for our action by asserting that the power for it lies outside of our control. The net result is we’ve lost our personal power.

     How do we wean ourselves off this deprecating pattern? First, we listen and accept our own feelings about ourselves and our actions not someone else’s opinion. We are OK as we are. We don’t need to “improve” ourselves or atone for anything unless it is important to us. This takes a lot of soul searching. We have to ask ourselves if there is someone we are attempting to live up to or prove something to. Second, we must invest ourselves in something that we feel is creative even if others don’t see it that way. Focus on a skill, an art, a project or a profession that we feel answers what we want out of life. Life is personal. If it’s simply baking cookies, so be it. It’s OK to be selfish even if our ethical or religious training attempts to convince us otherwise…and it will. There has been way too much unspoken “dissing” of people who do for themselves before others. The unspoken and accepted implication is that we must do for others before we take care of our own needs otherwise we are expected to consider ourselves bad and undeserving. Therefore you must deny yourself pleasure. Feeling that you must serve others puts you in a position of looking for approval from an authority that, more often than not, lives beneath the threshold of consciousness and was initiated in childhood. This, then, posits you in a mind space of obligation which gives your power away and absolves you of responsibility for your actions. You are not here to serve others. You are here to serve yourself. “Doctor, heal thyself first.” By doing so, you relieve others of the burden of doing so. (Compassion is neither innate or an obligation. It’s learned and a choice). Being responsible for your choices is accepting their consequences. If you don’t like the results you receive try it another way or do something else. Doing something the same way over and over and expecting a different result is a sign of neurosis. Third, to be proficient in any endeavor requires time, knowledge, practice and perseverance. There will be setbacks. Forgive yourself if you can’t do it “right” the first or second time. You are not perfect nor will you ever be regardless of what your ethical or religious training has taught you. Lastly, if you are raising children, the best way to help them avoid falling into the approval seeking trap is to encourage them to think for themselves, discuss life’s challenges, listen to them and still recommend that they listen to others. Commend and encourage them when they do well and allow them to trust that their own feelings are valid and allowable. A diminished ego due to over criticism is the same as an over inflated ego due to being encouraged to over self-indulgence (spoiling). Both are out of balance. Speak to your children as an equal when they grow old enough to understand. This will develop respect…yours and theirs. Their lives will grow into living without being based on fear or using it as a weapon. In these modern times our social structure has morphed into running on fear and, unfortunately, has also, degenerated to the point where to express what you feel uncomfortable about is seen as whining or bragging which is punishable by being ostracized. We want their standards to be based on independent thought, acceptance and understanding not fear of punishment or “loss of face.” They will come to know and accept that not everyone is a “winner” all the time and that it is OK if it is so for them without the need for self punitive actions. Guilt, fear and shame are the most debilitating emotions we can feel or be subjected to. Those of us who attempt to elicit these emotions in others are the ones who feel them the most strongly. Think about this one long and hard.

     To approach life with the confidence that we can handle whatever is thrown at us is the only way we can eliminate the rude habit of expecting others to “walk on water before we believe them.” It begins by instilling and allowing self trust in ourselves and our children. In this way we can meet the chaos and uncertainty of life without the need for guarantees.