FORGIVENESS: WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

By John Maerz BA LMT

    Contained within the contemporary perception of the need for forgiveness is the idea that an action has been taken, or not, that goes against the expectations and/or values of the person doing the forgiving. So, right from the start, there is a belief (a chosen perspective of the forgiver) that there is a debt to be paid or some retribution required for behaviors that are perceived as personally injurious. On the part of the person doing the forgiving it should, also, be recognized that they are partially responsible for the injury based on the fact that they expect a type of behavior from another that they might possibly have no right to expect. Forgiveness then, also, resides with the person doing the injury in the sense that they might need to forgive the injured for having different expectations. If both parties feel they are “right” in their expectations, and fail to forgive each other, the point of contention becomes an immoveable grudge or polarizing of energies. This creates tension requiring a resolution. This also locks up a tremendous waste of energy. However, when forgiveness is transacted it is usually between one party who believes they have been “wronged” and another who accepts, as fact, that their action or inaction was, indeed, improper. If this circumstance is the case then the forgiveness occurs as, simply, dropping the issue from contention. Any polarizing of energy is dissolved and both parties move on with their lives. This type of forgiveness is more in keeping with what Webster has to say. The word forgive comes from the Old English word forgiefan which is 1. to give up resentment against or the desire to punish; to pardon (an offense or offender) 2. to cancel (a debt). Forgiveness, in this sense, is simply a letting go, moving on, no longer holding the issue in consciousness. However, it does not mean banishing the circumstance from memory. That has been, indelibly, written to our accumulated experience or, to apply it metaphysically, our akashic record. This means that we will still remember even if forgiveness has occurred. Now the statement in the bible comes to mind which says, essentially, if someone strikes us we should turn the other cheek. This can be interpreted two ways. First, does turning the other cheek mean just walking away or, second, does turning the other cheek mean trusting the person not to injure us again while offering another opportunity? This question is, probably, best left to each individual to interpret according to their own conscience ad understanding. In either case, forgiveness is simple. Either we do or we don’t. However, when we start listing conditions for giving it we can run into complications.

     If forgiveness were as simple as the dictionary makes it seem there would be no need to go further with our understanding. However, our culture is permeated with spoken and unspoken mixed messages, intentional and unintentional, that move “just under the radar” of conscious awareness allowing, and producing, a great deal of confusion. The simplicity of letting go contained within Webster’s forgiveness is complicated by the conditioned western mind’s attitude of putting every feeling, thought and deed into a framework of cause and effect. In this way cause and effect sees the need for forgiveness as transgression verses punishment or as injury verses retribution or even vengeance. What is disturbing, and this is where it gets complicated, is that this debt oriented perspective is often utilized as a manipulation ploy by, both, those offering forgiveness and those seeking it. For those who offer forgiveness it may be the act of hanging the offender in a constant owing state requiring action and deference that might not have been given if the offense had not taken place. This constant sense of indebtedness creates a sense of always being on call for service at the whim of the injured. Some will even go as far as to feign an injury in order to incur that feeling of obligation just to create an “edge” over another. For those who seek forgiveness, receiving it can become a condoning of their behavior, which they know is offensive to the forgiver, where they regularly cross the boundaries of others, assuming that it is permissible to do so and that it can be done at any time through gaining forgiveness after the fact. This is where the statement, “Asking for forgiveness is better than asking for permission.” This, essentially, takes choice away from the offended. To add insult to injury, as a cultural standard living just below the threshold of awareness, it is considered culturally rude and inconsiderate to not forgive perceived transgressions. This means that avoiding the manipulation by not granting or seeking forgiveness puts us in a position of being viewed by our peers as being “the bad guy.” Confronting the manipulator will, most certainly, receive a wide eyed innocent denial of not knowing what we are referring to. We’re damned if we do and damned if we don’t. This conundrum is reminiscent of the old question, “Do you still beat your wife?” which, in the same fashion, leaves us no place to stand.

     Perhaps those who need to manipulate forgiveness should ask themselves why they feel it is necessary to do so. Is it, perhaps, that they don’t feel that they deserve what they are attempting to acquire? Are they too proud to ask? Risking a no requires personal courage. Is it harder for them to receive than to give? Perhaps receiving for them is seen as an unwanted obligation (cause and effect.) Yet, cleverness creates emotional knots. Simplicity frees the soul. Forgiveness is simple but may not be as easy as we might prefer. With a few exceptions, the struggle, for the manipulator, comes from their pride and how they feel they are perceived by others. So, when forgiveness comes up we must ask ourselves, “What does this mean to us?” Do we have ulterior motives and feelings of inadequacy that need to be compensated for or can we honestly let go of the need for “repayment?” Can we let others be who they need to be without our permission? Can we allow them the right to say no to us? Are we comfortable enough with ourselves that we can allow the chaos of life? Are we courageous enough to trust ourselves in handling the unknown? And the biggest question is, “Can we forgive ourselves?” In forgiving others, aren’t we forgiving ourselves?